The loss of something you never wanted
by Pianoninja
Summary: Jac pushes everyone that cares for her away at a time when she finds she needs them most. When Johnny realises just how he feels will she admit she feels the same way?
1. Chapter 1

Jac emerges from the staff toilets on Darwin looking pale and obviously suffering from morning sickness. She walks slowly over to the nurses station with one hand tenderly placed on her stomach. She sits down on the chair facing away from Johnny and puts her head in her hands.

Johnny takes a deep breath, stands up, walks over to the mum to be and places his hand tentatively on her shoulder. He then spins her chair round carefully and kneels down in front of the former ice queen. He moves so his face is just centimeters from hers and quietly whispers

"go home, it's really quiet anyway and you're not fit to be here."

Jac lifts her head inline with the Scottish nurse's and rolls her eyes in a way that says 'don't be an idiot.'

Tara then runs over with a latte from the coffee shop downstairs mumbling something along the lines of

"I'm so sorry I'm late, there was a massive traffic jam and then there was this guy and...anyway, I bought you a coffee to make up for it...?"

At this point Johnny is looking at the F1 suggesting that she should stop and leave while she still can but it's too late. Tara places the cup in front of Miss Naylor and looks at her hopefully. Jac goes white, raises her hand to her mouth and stands up quickly, running in the direction of the toilets.

Tara looks puzzled at the usually hard as nails consultant's unusual behavior and her mind begins to work.

However before she can get a chance to think about it, suddenly Chantelle Lane, not watching where she's going, pushes a drugs trolley out from a bay right in from of Jac's path. She nearly avoids it but trips on a corner and immediately flies through the air falling head first down a flight of stairs.

The ward is silent for a second while everyone processes the events that have just unfolded.

Johnny sprints down the stairs, his eyes filled with fear, to attend to the mother of his child.

There is blood streaming from a cut just above her eye and she is frozen in shock.

She sits up and attempts to compose herself trying to hide the fact she's in agony.

Johnny moves her fiery red hair from in front of her eyes, places a hand on either side of her face and reassures her.

"You're okay Jac, don't worry, I've got you."

She looks deep into his eyes and as they connect for just a moment Johnny realizes how much he loves her.

Chantelle is standing at the top of the stairs wide eyed and shell shocked. She quizzes Johnny

"Is she ok? Oh my gosh I'm so sorry! Shall I go and get someone?"

"No!" Jac exclaims, knowing that if someone else examines her they will find out about the baby, "I'm fine, it was my own stupid fault anyway."

"Well, let me come and help you up, it's the least I can do, I can't believe I was so careless, I'm usually really on the ball" the nurse rambles on.

Chantelle bounds down to where Jac is sitting, leant against the wall and places her hand under one arm while Johnny helps on the other side.

Elliot comes to the top of the stairs, after obviously hearing the commotion, and motions the rest of the staff back to work.

Johnny mouths 'Thank you' at the senior consultant as they help Jac up.

Elliot sees the pain in Jac's eyes as her colleagues support her and automatically knows something isn't right.

"Thank you Chantelle, I'll take it from here if you don't mind" Elliot says, as they reach the top of the stairs up to Darwin.

He looks worryingly at Miss Naylor and as he and nurse Mckownie take her into a side room he whispers

"What on earth happened Jac?"

Jac cautiously sits on the edge of the bed and brushes off Elliot's remark by replying with

"nothing, I just tripped, don't fuss for gods sake."

"hmm indeed well I'm due in theatre so I'll get Miss Effanga to come and have a look at you."

Jac buts in and tries to think of an excuse but Elliot overpowers the fragile surgeon and says

"no buts Jac, It wont be long before Hansenn finds out so you'd better get your story straight."

Elliot then leaves in search of Mo.

Johnny sits by the side of the mother of his child, still looking concerned and see's her wince in pain as he puts his arm around her shoulder in an attempt to comfort her. He then looks down at her and notices she has one arm closely guarding her stomach and immediately questions her.

"Jac? Have you got any abdominal pain?"

Jac looks stunned at the nurses comment but then looks down at herself and realizes how he came to his conclusion. She moves her arm and places her hand on the edge of her bed, then she looks at Johnny and replies with

"...a little." and a frankly terrified facial expression.

Johnny turns away from Jac, runs his hand through his hair and takes a deep breath. Then he turns back round to see Jac looking down at her hands and picking her fingernails.

Seeing how nervous the mum to be is tells himself to get his act together and kneels down in front of her like he had done in the nurses station just moments before the accident.

Jac avoids making eye contact with him.

He takes both her hands in one of his and uses the other to tuck her hair neatly behind her ear to see her perfect face. He looks her in the eye and, just like he had done on the stairs, reassures her by saying

"don't worry Jac, if it is the worst outcome then it'll be ok, but you can't do this alone, you won't be on your own, I wont let you."

A perfect blue tear glides down the surgeon's beautiful cheek bones and into the palm of Johnny's hand. He kisses her tenderly on the forehead, so to avoid causing her any unnecessary pain, and gently squeezes her hand.


	2. Chapter 2

Jac looks off to the side of Johnny's gaze and her eyes fixate on something. Johnny turns round to see Mo looking flustered and rushing towards the side room. Jac wipes the tears from her eyes and Johnny stands up to talk to his friend.

Mo peers around the door and looks at Johnny, he throws her a worried look and she automatically looks across to Jac who is staring down at the floor.

She walks across to the consultant and as she is examining the wound on her face questions her.

"Jac, what happened to you?"

"It doesn't matter!" she snaps "It was just an accident"

Mo stands up and places her hand on Jac's shoulder

"okay, doesn't look like you've done too much damage, Johnny Mac can you stitch this for me, I've just got to go and check on a patient."

Johnny leaves with Mo to get something and tells her about his concern for the unborn baby. As they come to the supply cupboard she pats him on the back and says

"stay strong Johnny Mac, she needs you right now."

When the registrar has gone he shuts the door to the store room and sits on a stool. He takes the scan, which Jac had given to him just a few weeks ago, from his pocket and just sits looking at it for a while. He is interrupted when Chantelle opens the door and sees him sitting there looking upset. He quickly places the scan back where it was safe before turning round to grab what he needs from the shelf behind him. Chantelle stops and looks at the fellow nurse and starts to think the worst.

"Johnny? Are you okay?" She asks sounding concerned. "Is it Jac?"

"Sort of, I can't really...y'know" he replies hesitantly

Chantelle cracks an unconvincing smile and they both head off in opposite directions.

Johnny heads back to the room where the mum to be is residing.

He walks in to see the fiery haired consultant leaning over a typical hospital sick bowl looking pale.

"still suffering then?" Johnny questions

Jac throws him a deathly stare and sarcastically replies with

"oh no, I love chucking my guts up ten times before breakfast!"

"Oh how I love your charm and wit" Johnny jokes as he helps Miss Naylor lie back on the bed.

As he carefully and precisely stitches the cut he watches the consultant's every move and facial expression, she looks despondent and anxious. As the nurse is finishing he observes as once again a perfectly formed tear falls rapidly down her pale cheek. He puts the equipment down, takes off his gloves and takes hold of her hand.

"Jac, talk to me. Tell me what's going through your mind." He pleas

The surgeon turns to face him and through her tears she whispers

"I...I can't do this" she moves her hand away from the nurses gentle caring grip and says "can you just go please."

Johnny looks at her longingly, and with tears in his eyes and a lump in his throat, gets up and leaves without taking time to look back.


	3. Chapter 3

As the beautiful Miss Naylor lies there on a hospital bed, a torrent of tears streaming down her porcelain like cheeks, she remembers all the people she has lost. The love of her life Joseph Byrne, her Mum after she gave her a kidney and now Johnny. Her heart feels heavy with emotion, she clenches a fist and tries to be strong.

Mo walks into the room where Jac is lying. She doesn't turn to face the registrar, just stares at the ceiling asthough it has the solution to all her troubles. Mo realises the hard as nails consultant has been crying by the fact her eyes are red and puffy and there is a faint line of faded mascara running from the corner of her sparkling eyes, down her prominent cheek bones and disappearing into the crisp white sheets like a raindrop in the snow. She knows she has to approach the situation delicately,  
"Where's Johnny?" she asks cautiously after some deliberation  
"I asked him to leave." The surgeon snaps, "not that it's any of your business anyway!"  
Mo roles her eyes and sighs.  
"You'll never understand will you?"  
Jac is silent.  
"He loves you. I won't even pretend to understand why or how anyone could have feelings towards such a heartless cow but he does."  
Jac closes her eyes and feels the tears pricking at the back of her eye lids. She takes a deep breath and desperately tries to stand her ground.  
Mo is watching her intently and adds  
"I don't understand why you need to push everyone away Jac."  
Miss Naylor opens her eyes, turns to the registrar and says, her voice not much more than a whisper,  
"Because if I don't they'll decide to leave."  
Both women are silent for a while as they analyse this sentence. Finally, in a much more in control tone Jac pipes up and says  
"So are you going to examine me so I can get on or what?"  
Mo smiles at Jac's persistence.

"Right well, I've booked you in for an MRI and Head CT but radiology are a bit backed up so"  
Jac interrupts the registrar's course of a action  
"No." She states.  
Mo looks shocked and puzzled  
"What? Why?" She questions, although she has some idea of the answer  
"You know why." Miss Naylor barks  
Mo closes her eyes and exhales impatiently  
"Jac? You of all people must know how ridiculous you're being! The risk to the baby is so minimal it's not even worth thinking about."  
Jac turns her head away from Mo and returns to staring at the off-white hospital ceiling  
"Just do the ultra-sound so Johnny can find out whether he still has to pretend to care about me."  
Mo looks at the red headed consultant sympathetically and reluctantly agrees. She leaves to fetch the scanner and Jac sits up slightly and runs her fingers through her slightly bedraggled orban hair.


	4. Chapter 4

As Mo walks out she notices Johnny is sitting at the nurses station looking lost and alone. She takes a detour over to him and puts a caring hand on his shoulder. He looks up at the concerned registrar and sighs

"It's over, I'll never get close to her now"

Mo takes hold of the nurses hands, crouches down in front of him and says

"You will Johnny Mac, if there's anyone who can work out what's going on in that deluded mind of hers it's you."

Johnny attempts a weak smile as Mo stands up and walks away.

Mo returns to Jac who is now sitting partially upright with one hand still tenderly guarding her unborn baby. As hard as she tries to hide it, it's obvious she does care. Mo sets up the newly aquired scanner while Jac lies back and lifts up her top to reveal her pale white stomach in which lies the only person she has ever loved as much as this. Mo notices an old scar on her lower right side but says nothing. Jac, who has obviously noticed her staring, simply reveals

"I donated a kidney"

"Right." Mo replies confused as to why the heartless cow she knows would do anything so selfless.

"My 'Mum" Jac continues "turned up here a few years back with stage three kidney disease."

Mo nods, not sure how to reply to such a revelation. She thinks it best to just carry on with what she was doing.

"Right, well, i'm sure you know the drill, this'll be cold."

Jac gives her an icy, sarcastic look however, Mo appears immune to the consultant's scare tactics.

As Mo moves the scanner around in the cold gel across her stomach Jac feels time slow down, he heart is racing, her palms sweating, she's not sure she wants to know the result. Atleast before there was hope, now there is just a straight answer either way, no negotiation. She takes a deep breath as she turns to look at the screen.

She gasps as the screen reveals a little person, perfect in every way, a baby...Jac Naylor's baby.

Both women breathe a huge sigh of relief at the sight of the unborn infant, oblivious to what's been going on in the outside world. Jac's line of sight then veers of to the terrified scottish nurse sat sobbing to himself in the nurses station. Mo watches her as she observes him and says

"I could go and get him you know...he's dying to know what's going on."

Jac exhales slowly and closes her eyes, then nods her head in agreement. A smile bursts on to Mo's face as she believes she is begining to work her way round Miss Naylor. She practically runs out the door to grab her friend. Jac watches on as he wipes the tears from his eyes and almost skips with joy towards the side room.

Johnny peers round the door and Jac can't help but smile at the goof ball who's fathering her child.

"How are you feeling?" he queries

"Molycoddled" Jac replies sarcastically

He leaps over the bed, nudges Jac over and puts his arm around her petite shoulders. 'Normally she'd swear at me or tell me to get off' he thinks, she looks at his hand on her shoulder, then back at him and rolls her eyes playfully. 'That's better' he says to himself.

Mo glides the scanner across Jac's stomach again and produces a picture of the same beautiful baby

"and there, my friends, is your child" she announces proudly. Both parents stare at the screen adoringly

"she's perfect" Jac whispers, her voice wobbly

"she follows after her Mum then" Johnny replies as her squeezes the red headed consultant's shoulders lovingly. She turns to face him, he is expecting some sort of sarcastic comment or abuse but she kisses him gently and then nuzzles into his warm body, closing her eyes placing one hand carefully on his chest.

For the couple, that moment, is perfection.


	5. Chapter 5

Johnny sits with the shaken and emotional mum to be for what feels like hours, just holding her and loving her. The bond is only broken when Elliot bumbles in

"Uh...um...sorry to interrupt but you're needed on the ward Johnny." He babbles nervously. Johnny looks at Jac and sees she is asleep

"Can't someone else do it?" he begs, gesturing at the peaceful sleeping surgeon. Elliot shakes his head regretfully. Johnny sighs but begins to rouse Jac. He gently lifts her body close to him and whispers

"Jac." Her eyelashes flutter and she opens her eyes slowly to see the father of her child glaring back at her like a love sick puppy. However, she jumps up startled when she hears Elliot's voice

"Sorry Jac, he's needed."

She sits up and tries to compose herself before turning to Elliot and saying

"Fine. I should get some work done anyway," then standing up and marching past him.

The men share a look of worry and exasperation before chasing after the ambitious consultant. "Jac" Johnny calls timidly "don't you think you should be taking it easy?" She throws him an icy look.

"Go home Jac" Elliot advises "you've had a tough day." Jac's face changes from sarcasm to rage

"I'm not an invalid you know!" She shouts at the professor "just because some incompetent nurse can't watch where she's going, doesn't make me unfit to work!" She storms off in the direction of her office.

A twinge of regret crosses Elliot's face as her feels the full force of Miss Naylor.

"Keep and eye on her" he says to Johnny, watching as the fiery surgeon slams the door behind her.

Jac slumps into her desk chair and flinches as she feels a wave of pain across her stomach and side. She lays her head on her desk and reassures herself

"it's nothing, everything's fine, my baby's ok, nothing else matters now." Back on the ward Elliot spies Henrik Hansen marching towards them.

"Great, that's all we need" he sighs.

"Mr Hope. Word has got to me about this mornings incident." He announces. "Where is Miss Naylor?"

"Ah right yes" Elliot mumbles "uh, we'll she's ok...um"

"Where is she Mr Hope?" He repeats impatiently

"Office" Mr Hope replies timidly, pointing across the ward. Mr hope thanks the professor and makes his way towards the office in which Miss Naylor resides

Jac hears three firm knocks on her door and is about to verbally abuse them and tell whoever it is to go away when she hears

"Miss Naylor. It's Mr Hansen. May I enter?"

She sits up and firmly replies with

"Yes. Come in."

Mr Hansen thanks her as he walks in and sits down in the chair in front of her.

"I trust you escaped without injury?" He queries. Miss Naylor looks puzzled then replies

"Uh, yes of course" her hand still hovering over her stomach.

"Good" replies the head of surgery "I'm sure you're aware you need to fill in an incident form" he continues, sliding the form across to Jac who stares at it wearily, contemplating what to write.

"I also need to know who treated you" he adds, shattering her thoughts like glass.

"Oh...why?" She asks, panicking he will find out.

"Paperwork." He replies simply

Jac looks at him warily but finally gives in

"Miss Effanga" she says, a hint of annoyance in her voice.

"Thank you. That is all." Mr Hansen states as he gets up and leaves.

Jac exhales slowly before bringing her knees up to her chest and resting he head on them.

"Ah Miss Effanga. May I have a word please?" Mr Hansen calls as he spies the registrar on his way out.

"Um...sure" she replies "just out of curiosity, what's this about?"

"Ms Naylor" he replies straight out "I need scan results and a write up of your observations please."

"Ah...could have an issue there" Mo says, knowing how awkward she is making the situation for Jac. "Jac...I mean, Ms Naylor, refused to have an MRI or head CT but I will happily write up the rest" she continues, smiling smugly.

"What?" Mr Hansen says firmly "why on earth would she do that?"

"Can't really say Mr H, you'd be better off talking to her yourself." she taunts as she saunters away leaving him stood looking baffled.

Jac feels a whirling in the depths of her stomach as she sits, curled in her fortress of solitude. She stands up and feels hazy, knowing the drill she heads swiftly to the toilets. On her way out she meets Hansen again, he attempts to stop her but she puts a hand out to stop him and runs into the toilets, leaving Hansen stood once again confused.

She dashes into an empty cubicle, slamming the door shut behind her and quicker than she can think, there she is emptying what's left of the contents of her stomach, which judgeing her morning had to be very little, into an off-white darwin ward toilet. When the sickness passes she sits for a while on the cold damp tiled floor to regain her composure. She hears people coming in and out, patients, relatives, doctors and nurses, discussing their days and other pointless phatic talk. When she believes it is safe to emerge she slowly picks herself up and makes her way to the sink. She cups her hands infront of her and splashes the cold, dull water over her face. As she wipes her eyes she catches a glimse of herself in the mirror. For a moment she stops and stares at the woman staring back at her. Her skin is pale and sickly, her eyes dull and without their usual sparkle which Johnny loves, and there are dark circles beneath them. This isnt the face of Cardiothoracic consultant Jac Naylor - ice queen and general bitch. This is the face of Jac - exhausted and alone. She ducks her head towards the sink to splash again but this time avoids the reflection she hates to call her own and after drying her hands she leaves, making her way back to her office and her thoughts.


	6. Chapter 6

As Johnnny sits quietly at the nurses station he hears the loud, thought shattering beep of a machine. Bed six - Mr Carter, 'oh bugger he's arresting' he thinks to himself as he runs over. He forcefully presses the alarm button and shouts to his colleagues

"can I get some help over here please!" A nurse runs over to his side, "where's Mr Hope?" he questions whilst trying immensely to revive the patient

"theatre" the nurse replies timidly.

"Miss Effanga?" Johnny asks desperately

"her too, they've taken over Miss Naylor's list" she says cautiously. Johnny looks down at the chest of the man he is performing CPR on and finally says defeated

"okay, go and get Miss Naylor then." She looks at him terrified and he warns "be gentle" as she hurries away.

The nurse knocks on Jac's office door quietly and before she gets a reply says "I'm sorry to bother you Miss Naylor, but Mr Carter has gone into cardiac arrest"...then there's nothing but silence. Jac who has reassumed her former position, curled into a ball at her desk, closes her eyes and sighs, but gets up as quickly as she can manage and hurries to the patient.

"How long has he been like this?" she quizzes Johnny

"about 5 minutes" he replies rapidly. She takes over chest compressions and orders Johnny

"oxygen please." He places the oxygen mask gently over the elderly patients face but after a few minutes he says cautiously

"Jac, we need to shock him" she closes her eyes and nods slowly.

"nurse, paddles please" she requests from the young brunette woman. "Clear!" She shouts as everyone moves away.

Nothing.

"Again, charge to two hundred. Clear!"

Still nothing.

Jac looks at Johnny, he's not sure what to do, she can't be asking for advice can she?

"Again" she shouts, looking back to her patient "charge to two fifty. Clear!"

She watches the machine as the patient flat lines. "Damn it!" She shouts slamming her hand on the edge of the bed. "Time of death 3:17" she says regretfully and walks away summoning Johnny over to the nurses station.

Johnny observes carefully as she looks over the patients notes. Finally she says authoritatively "you were told to check on him hourly. Who was doing his obs?" Johnny and the brunette nurse look at each other nervously. Finally the young woman admits

"Chantelle" her voice is quiet and sympathetic. She watches as Jac's eyes widen and she storms off, obviously in search of the incompetent nurse.

Jac finds her irritatingly chatting away to another patient while checking his blood pressure. As the consultant walks in she stops and goes white.

"Nurse Lane, a word in my office please." She says coldly and walks away towards her lair.

Chantelle apologizes to her patient and follows Miss Naylor cautiously.

She walks in and carefully shuts the door behind her. Miss Naylor stands glaring at her.

"Mr Carter" she begins "can you tell me how he was the last time you checked his obs?" Chantelle looks terrified and unconvincingly says

"um...fine I think."

"You think?" Jac quizzes her with a sarcastic tone of shock in her voice. "Well that's strange because guess what...he's dead. Now I don't know about you but in my experience most people don't go from 'fine' to having a cardiac arrest without some signs of deterioration." Chantelle hangs her head in shame. Jac cruelly carries on

"So, not only did you attempt to kill me this morning, you forget to check on a patient which then resulted in his death, and now you're lying to me. I wonder what Mr Hansen would have to s..." she stops suddenly as a spasm of pain shoots through her abdomen.

"Miss Naylor?" Chantelle questions, sounding worried and genuinely concerned.

"I...I'm..." Jac struggles to speak through the agonizing, biting pain. She attempts to steady herself by holding the edge of her desk. Chantelle walks over to her tentatively and places a hand on her shoulder. She winces and whimpers quietly like an injured animal. Chantelle runs over to the door and almost screams across the ward

"JOHNNY!" she sounds terrified. Johnny looks round at the blonde nurse with shock and then realizes who she's with. 'Shit' he thinks. He runs across the ward and darts into the office where he comes up on the ice queen hunched over a desk and clinging on for dear life. She looks across at him, her face indented with distress and torment. He takes Chantelle just outside the door and orders

"phone obs and gynie and get someone down here now!" She looks at him puzzled but decides to act now and question later. As Johnny turns to head back inside he hears a thud. He rushes in to see Jac collapsed on the floor in a pool of dark crimson blood.

"Jac!" he shouts. He crashes to the floor and holds her limp, lifeless body in his arms. He whispers nervously "No. Please not her. Please god no." He sees Sachastrole past oblivious to the goings on and shouts across to him. He immediately notes the anguish in his voice and dashes in. He sees his best friend lay on the floor cradled by Johnny, they are both covered in blood.

"Can we get a trolley in here please!" he shouts towards the ward at anyone who can here him. "What the hell happened?" he quizzes, looking at Johnny.

"Sh...I...Cha...it...the..." Johnny stutters, panic-stricken and unable to think "pregnant" he blurts out as a tear trails down his face. Sacha looks at him in disbelief.

"Seriously? Good lord" he says wide eyed and glaring at the unconscious woman. "right" he pulls himself together "help me get her onto the trolley and we'll get her on to the ward to see if we can work out where all this blood is coming from." Johnny picks up the petite vulnerable women and hugs her tight to his chest before placing her gently on the crisp white sheets.

They roll her out onto Darwin ward and start attatching her to various machines and fitting her petite face with an oxygen mask. As the two men rush around doing everything they can to help the surgeon they hear Chantelle

"down here" she says, pointing to her the cubicle. Mr T hurries over to Jac and thanks nurse Lane.

"What happened?" he questions worriedly after noting the amount of blood.

"Well" Sacha begins "from what I can make out, she fell down some stairs this morning and seemed to escape without injury but she collapsed about 10 minutes ago in her office." He observes as Mr T processes this information and thinks. "I'm thinking internal injuries?" Sacha adds.

"Well that's not my area" he replies "but we are going to have to take her into surgery, she's most likely suffered a placental rupture. I'll need a GS surgeon, can you do it?" he questions, gesturing to Sacha. He agrees apprehensively, both men know what this means for the Jac and the Baby.

As Jac is rushed into theatre 2 Johnny nervously sits outside. After a while Mo runs over to him, looking exhausted,

"I heard what happened, is she going to be ok?" she questions although out of breathe.

"Johnny shrugs his shoulders but doesn't look up from his blood stained hands. Mo puts and arm around her shoulder and advices

"Come on let's get you cleaned up and find something to eat, I'm starving."

As the two are about to leave they see Mr T walking down the corridor, there's a solemn look on his face. Johnny squeezes Mo's hand tightly as fear gushes from his every pore.


	7. Chapter 7

He stops dead in front of them but doesn't look up. Johnny stares at him nervously, obviously thinking the worst. Even Mo knows that something is wrong and feels a sudden pang of sympathy for the consultant. Mr T looks up and faces Johnny directly

"We've managed to stop the bleed, she had two broken ribs and we had to remove her spleen but the next few hours are critical, she's lost a lot of blood" he says somewhat apologetically.

"...and the baby?" Johnny queried nervously, his voice no more than a worried murmur...

Jac is lying in ITU, her skin is so pale that she almost fades into the hospital bed sheets, Johnny is sat by her side, holding her hand, for hours sobbing and praying for her to wake up. It is around eleven when Johnny is close to nodding of by her side and he feels her hand gently clasp around his fingers. His eyes widen with hope. Her eyelashes flicker and when she sees the glaring bright lights around her she jumps, attempting to sit upright in a panic. She feels a bolt of pain shooting through her body, the terror dissolves into mild anguish when she feels Johnny's soft hand on her shoulder gently guiding her head back to the pillow and the bright Scottish tones of his voice whisper

"take it easy Jac, you've had an operation, I'm right here...it's all ok." As her head hits the pillow she closes her eyes and sighs quietly. Johnny ushers Mr T and Sacha in to check her over and explain. She sees Sacha bounding towards her smiling, but it isn't his usual gargantuan cheesy smile that she hates to love, something's wrong, this isn't just him worrying about her

"what's happened?" she queries slowly and quietly.

"Well, it turns out Miss Naylor, you've been walking round the hospital all day with broken ribs and a ruptured spleen" Mr T explains. Sacha takes over

"We've obviously had to remove your spleen and you've lost a lot of blood but you should be out of her in a day or two." Jac looks at him expectantly, waiting for him to give her the bad news...nothing. Mr T takes a deep breath causing Jac to transfer her attention to him. She reaches out and holds on to Johnny's hand as every scenario rushes through her mind in a muddle.

"The thing is Ms Naylor, the reason you collapsed was due to a placental bleed, which we believe was caused due to the trauma of your underlying injuries." He pauses as he notices the tears fighting to escape from the ice queen's beautiful green eyes "I'm sorry Jac, we did all we could, but you've lost your baby."

Reality hits Jac like a tonne of bricks, a tear trails down her cheek "Get out!" she screams at the three men. "Please just leave me alone!" She turns over and attempts to curl into a ball through the agonizing pain. Sacha looks shocked but gestures for the other two to follow him as he departs. Johnny glares at Jac through the glass doors, longing for her to open up to him.

_'__**You've**__ lost your baby' it keeps re-running through my head. It's all __**my**__ fault just like everything else. __**I **__try to do the right thing and this happens. All I wanted to do was take care of my baby and now...__**I **__can't. __**I've**__ lost my baby. __**I **__have. Not mother nature. Or Karma. __**Me**__. __**I**__...__**I**__...I can't breathe._

Suddenly the beep of the machines in ITU grab Johnny's attention, piercing his thoughts like a dagger. To doctors and nurses that sound sets off an instinct, like a mother to a baby's cry. Sacha's ears prick up like a dog hearing food. They both run back into the room to see Jac struggling for breath through an ambush of regretful tears. She reaches out for Johnny's hand and through crying and gasping whispers

"I'm sorry I...killed our baby...I'm...sorry I was...such a...cow...I...love you...please...don't...leave...me." Johnny, feeling shocked and bewildered, takes her hand in both of his, it feels cold and clammy, he looks her in the eye and says calmly and kindly

"Jac, it's okay, you're having a panic attack, I'm not going to leave you, I love you too, this isn't your fault." Sacha is stood watching Jac's oxygen levels closely and chips in

"Jac, I'm going to give you some oxygen, just try and slow your breathing down, I know you're upset, just try not to panic." He throws Johnny a worried look, he has never seen the consultant like this and knows he needs to support her...if she'll let him. They both stand there watching the consultant as her breathing slows down and her heart rate comes back to normal. They both breath a sigh of relief and smile at the red haired consultant who is lay there buried in the snow white bed linen, the oxygen mask hides her beautiful prominent features, she looks so small and vulnerable.

Later on Jac has dropped back off to sleep and seems ok for now, Johnny and Sacha sit in the staff room discussing the heartbroken consultant.

"All being well I think we can send her home tomorrow, can she stay with you?" Sacha questions, the concern prominent in his voice. Johnny raises his eyebrows and looks at Sacha in disbelief

"are you serious? As if she's agree to stay with me in my shoe box of an apartment?" Sacha cracks a small smile and nods

"I see what you're saying but I'm just thinking if she's bought things for the baby then they're only going to remind her of what she's lost and she can't be alone right now." A twinge of sadness and regret passes over Johnny's face as Sacha mentions the baby

"Yeah okay, well I'll pop round tonight and make sure there's nothing 'incriminating' but if I'm honest it was hard enough to even get her to acknowledge the baby was there, never mind buy it little pink booties and a Moses basket." They both chuckle sorrowfully and Sacha leaves to check on Ms Naylor.

Johnny knows where Jac keeps her spare key (for someone so meticulous you would've thought she'd have somewhere better than cellotaped under the door matt) he takes no second thought at letting himself in. Everything is so perfectly in place, there are no dirty dishes in the sink, no clutter, no mess, it is almost like her home isn't lived in.

He scans around the lounge and kitchen and, much to his prior thoughts, doesn't find anything. If she did buy anything she'd most probably hide it somewhere in her bedroom. He heads in that direction, it is also immaculately tidy, and spends some time checking the bottoms of her wardrobes and chest of draws. Nothing. He is quite satisfied and heads to leave but something on the corner of the bedside table catches his eye. A little brown note book and a blue parker pen, the only trace of anyone actually living there. He sits down on the edge of the bed, picks up the book and runs his fingers gently across the cover. He opens it to the front page which reads 'to my baby...' Oh god, was this what he thought it was. He flicks to the last page she has written on, the date at the top is yesterday, it reads;

_Hello darling,_

_I still don't know why i'm doing this, it's so unlike me, I don't do emotion and feelings, but I guess you'll realise that when we finally meet. Anyway, it's been one of those days really, I was awake at 3:00 chucking up again (thanks for that by the way) not that I'd slept much anyway. I hate to admit it but I miss your Daddy when he's not here, I miss his stupid curly hair and awful Scottish accent. I miss having someone to cuddle me and follow me into the bathroom to hold my hair back at all hours. I miss him being there calming me down and telling me it's all ok. I just miss him. I could've jumped on him and wrapped my arms round his neck when he rolled into work half an hour late this morning but I had to be me and shout and him instead. I guess you'll learn all this when you're older and I'm screaming at you over dirty washing or something. If we get that far. I'm so scared, I'm really sorry if I don't turn out to be a very good mother. You'll have your father though and he's amazing. Tell him I said that though and I'll have to kill you. Anyway, you've successfully managed to drain me of any energy I had now so I'm going to attempt to sleep. He's not here again though, he's gone out with Mo. She doesn't know how lucky she is, I'm all alone here and she's sat in Albie's with the loveliest most annoying man in the world. I can't wait till you're here to keep me company, this writing thing is really not me, I'm not sure how people coped when it was all post men and messenger pigeons._

_Goodnight my precious baby,_

_Mum x_

A tear fell delicately on to the page he was reading, smudging the beautiful handwriting of Ms Naylor. It was only when he looked up that Johnny realized it was his tear, he sat there for a while, holding the book in his hands and softly sobbing until it dawned on him. This was how Jac really felt. Alone. She was at the hospital now all on her own, suddenly he felt the need to be with her. He shoved the book into his coat pocket, grabbed his car keys and raced back to the hospital to be by her side.


	8. Chapter 8

Jonny took a detour on his way to the hospital to stop and get something. He arrived back on the ward to be greeted by Sacha

"Jonny! She's been asking for you, she's still really upset, she thinks you've left her." Jonny smiled and replied

"Thanks Sacha!...and hey, don't worry, i've got something that'll hopefully cheer her up." Sacha looked at the nurse doubtfully but admired his determination and love for the ice queen. Jonny crept round the door into ITU to see Jac sitting up in bed, looking lost and upset.

"Hey" he called softly to her. She looked at him in shock

"I thought you weren't coming back" she smiled as once more a tear fell down her cheek. At this moment he debated whether to tell her he knew about the letters. He walked over to her bed and gently wiped her tears with his thumb.

"I'd never leave you Jac Naylor" he said cheerfully and laughed "partly because I think you'd hire hit men to hunt me down if I did but also because..." He paused and took hold of Jac's hand "I love you." She felt her heart leap in to her throat, she was speechless. She observed as Jonny reached into his coat pocket and revealed a small brown box. He was still holding her hand when he lowered down on to one knee and looked her in the eyes.

"Jaqueline Elizabeth Naylor..." he gulped, he could feel every part of his body trembling "will you do the upmost honour of becoming my wife?"

For a moment the whole room was silent. A group of nosy doctors and nurses (including Sacha) had gathered outside the window wondering what the special occasion was.

Jac could feel her heart thumping in her chest, she couldn't even summon the words. A smile shattered across her face and she nodded acceptingly as Jonny slipped a beautiful gold ring on to her finger. Sacha burst on through the door and there it was, his stupid cheesey smile was back, everyone applauded as the Jonny stood up, wrapped his arms around Jac's neck and kissed her gently on the forehead.

From that moment she knew she's never be alone again.

_A year later..._

Jac and Jonny stroll in to the hospital arm in arm one morning. Everyone who knows them is watching but they don't care. They're not staring looking for gossip anymore, they're overlooking with excitement. They move slowly towards the elevator but this morning they don't go up to Darwin. They exit the elevator and begin walking down the corridor. Jac hesitates and puts a hand on her stomach. "okay?" Jonny queries lovingly. Jac looks up into his eyes and nods. He strokes her shoulder lovingly as they enter Maternity. Midwife Jean Rimidi is stood at the desk sorting through files. Jonny coughs loudly "um hi, Jac Na..." he's interrupted.

"I know who she is" the midwife smiles "ready to do this for yourself then?" she asks gesturing towards Jac. She looks across to Jonny who is smiling a toddler and christmas and then down to her extremely swollen stomach and nods, confidently saying

"yeah, I am, let's go have a baby."


End file.
